Dying to be Perfect

It's December, i have now been bulimic for 8 months... it doesn't seem like a long time compared to some other experiences I've heard of but it has been 8 months of pure agony... and now i wonder if this will ever come to an end. I thought that this would've ended 5 months ago, that was my plan, but now there's no turning back... I miss feeling good about myself, i miss being happy despite anything going on around me... now i just feel sadder and sadder as the days go by in a blur of nothingness...I hate myself more than i did when i started all of this, but i still depend on it... what's worse is i know what i need to do in order to stop feeling like this, i'm just not strong enough to do it... i've tried and failed too many times... so now i'm just dying to like myself

Trust

There are so many people i trusted... but every single one of them let me down... abandoned me, turned their back to me, spread things about me or just made it clear they didn't want to be around me...

now i trust nobody... why should i?
i'm so sick of being hurt and betrayed and being treated like complete SHIT!
why does everybody think they can step on me as if i'm not already on the edge.... they can just use me and abuse me as much as they like because at the end of the day who cares about what happens to me? i sure as hell don't...
India Arie was right, "the one's who love you the most, turn around and hurt you the worst"
why do you treat me like this?

Why Can't You Understand i'm Falling Apart?

What's Happening to me?

It's so unbelievable that there was a time when i was annoyingly up myself... i have no idea what changed,how did i come to hate myself to a point where i risk everything in order to look better? I never thought it would get this bad... i thought throwing up would be easy....i guess you never know...

i had no idea i'd lose so much... i've never been the girl to throw away everything to be skinny, i should be stronger than this.... why can't i control this? why can't i stop? why aren't i happy?

what's happening to me... 

The Days Just Get Worse

Today has been awful... i've been in so much pain and i can't explain why... i guess it's because i have to pretend somebody i'm not all the time... even though i have a boyfriend now, i have to be the girl he wants me to be, which isn't who i am... sometimes i wish people could see me for me, see that i need their help and support because i'm falling apart... It hurts so much more when my closest friends give me shit for being upset and my family makes fun of me and just tells me to piss off until i feel better... i miss having a best friend, that one person i could always talk to no matter what, that one person i didn't have to hide myself in front of, that one person who could always make me feel better... everybody says i should get over it and that i don't deserve this shit but it's not that easy... none of this is as easy as they think.... i wish they could understand...

You think it's that easy but it's not... i can't just turn this off

... Because I can't help myself

I'm Scared...

Sick of Pretending

"I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles even though her heart is broken, and the one who can always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own"

Lost

"I don't know who i am, who i am without you, all i know is that i should" -Missy Higgins

Losing you still hurts

I'm not supposed to care but i do... 

I've realized that i lost myself in all of my problems, they define me... they ARE me... and I've forgotten who i am along the way, and i am now irrelevant

Alone