When my world is spinning out of control...

...The one thing I can keep in my grasp is my weight

Just let me go

either leave me or stay with me.
please stop torturing me
telling my friends how much of a selfish bitch i am...
you don't know what's been going through my mind...
if you want me to stay then stop treating me like this
i don't know what you expect me to do
what you expect my sister to do;
choose between her sister and her best friend?
you're the selfish one
i know the game you play: you choose your victims and drive them away one by one
you took away my best friend
did you really think id take your crap after that?
you've hurt me too much already
just let me go...

The Opaque Cup Trick

finally i'm back on track and this time i'm not going to let my controlling family push me to binge again... and saying i'm not hungry isn't going to be it this time... I have something else;
the opaque cup trick

i've considered trying it before but eventually i would've accepted the fact that i'd have to eat that night...
but i can't gain any more weight and throwing up isn't good enough anymore...
the opaque cup trick is when you pretend to be drinking from a cup (whos contents can't be seen from the outside, of course)
and spitting your food into that cup so everybody thinks you've eaten, but it's all an illusion

can you tell?

The Ice is Getting Thinner... yet i'm not

I feel the ice cracking under my feet,
everything's getting to me again and i can't fight it
i've been trying to push it out but it's all catching up to me
I don't want to feel the way i used to feel
i just want to be happy so that i can lose weight.
why is this happening to me??
ive been trying to lose weight for years i just want it to happen so badly so i can stop destroying my life and actually like myself
...ive tried everything
i don't know what to do anymore...

A Bad Dream- Keane

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now 

Sweet Relief

nothing feels better than an empty stomach
I can't stand the thought of gaining weight
That's why i throw up.

fuck this

Today was the beginning of a new school year and I was ready to make it one of my best
I have to admit that on Saturday i went a little ccrazy and drank too much
I thought it was okay because the people who i was with were totally cool with it and i hooked up with the closest guy friend i have...
but I regret ever letting my closest friends find out because all they do is judge and make me feel like i should regret it
they don't understand that sometimes i need a break
they always make me feel bad about everything i do
i can never win.
Not to mention i was halfway through the day without having eaten anything... and they ruined it by pissing me off and that's always how my cravings start
i'm so sick of all this bullshit

I realise what my problem was last year
I talked.
I thought it was the best way to help myself
so I tried to talk everything out with whoever was willing to listen,
but it never helped...

it drove my friends away,

it drove me to just get more frustrated with myself
it drove me to my biggest regret- telling my mom what was going on
This year, i'm going to get back on track to get skinny,
and this time it's not going to get to me
because i'm not going to think about it,
i'm not going to talk about it,
why talk when nobody wants to listen?
it doesn't matter.
i don't care if it's unhealthy
neither does anybody else
i want it to destroy my body
i want to be the girl who struggles to gain weight. not lose it
i'm sick of being disgusted when i look in the mirror
and it's going to change this year
no matter what
just try and stop me.

Too True...

stop thinking you have it worse
you're just bored with your life,
so you create drama
and you bring down whoever you feel like hurting down with you
I know my problems aren't that bad
But you must think the world revolves around you
but guess what?
nobody cares.

fuck it

"She's got a smile on her face, and a fuck you attitude, because from this day on, she's living life for herself"
"Don't have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel"
"Maybe i'm not supposed to get over it, I mean look at how many times i've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working"
"&& when she finally forgets you, don't you dare remember me"
"Don't die from a broken heart"

"Life is like a canvas. it begins blank, and every day is like another brush stroke.
Make your life a masterpiece."

it may still hurt
but you don't deserve my tears
i'm not letting you get to me anymore
i'm going to live my life
i'm going to be thin and beautiful no matter what it takes
and I don't need you
you're not worth it

Thoughts

keep starving...
keep throwing up...
keep losing weight
focus on it, but don't think about it
don't think about anything
don't let it get to you
don't think about how you're best friend hates you,
and how everybody expects you to be over it
but they have no idea how hard it is
don't think about how you now have nobody,
how you're the only one left who cares,
don't think about how you can't do any of the things you used to be good at
or that after everything i put everyone through, i'm still disgusted by my own reflection
stop it. block it out.
channel it into losing weight
hopefully soon, i'll be good enough to be loved
just don't think...