exhausted

I'm too tired to fight this

this is driving me insane!!!!
after everything i fought for i'm going to start gaining weight and there's nothing i cn do because if i try to starve again i'll pass out and everyone will just make me eat more!!
i can't stand this bullshit

Suggestion -Orelia

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down

Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound

Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you

But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use

And just like that my life is broken

I can barely breathe

and now i'm opened for suggestions

At the end of the day lifes a lesson

So why cant he see it form my point of view

And how many seconds in the houurs of a day did we lose

Was it me or his feelings, me or his feelings that day

Cause i just stood there in silence watched while my world blew away

And just like that my life is broken

I can barely breathe

and now i'm opened for suggestions

At the end of the day lifes a lesson

My lifes a lesson

Health or Weight?

It'slightly embarrassing to admit that since my last post i hadn't thrown up or starved myself, first because i had to keep myself conscious, and then because my school was on camp and i couldn't do anything but it's okay because i was losing weight anyway..
Well that was the case until yesterday when i threw up again for the first time in 2 weeks & it felt like all the tension that had built up from those weeks just washed away...
Today I was back on track with my starve plan but -i can't believe it- i nearly passed out again!
This is so ridiculously frustrating because normally my body is a lot stronger than this... and i knw this means i'll never be able to diet like this again.
I have to say i'm slightly scared about what i've done to myself, apparently there's a good chance that im anemic and besides that, my hair has been falling out.... i'm not sure if it's an effect of events of this past yearr or something else but im starting to get more and more worried about what's happening to me
still, i can't make the choice of whether to keep myself healthy or get skinny...

Shut Down

Today for the first time my body decided to shut itself down...
 resulting in me passing out in front of all of those in my class
naturally i'm incredibly embarrassed but its starting to make me think...
what if my health is more important than my weight?
These next couple of days everyone is going to be monitoring my eating which i think is the worst part of the whole thing
but maybe it's time for a change... I'm starting to think about what's really important..
Normally when I have these thoughts they go away the next time i eat and i feel like punishing myself again
Part of me hopes they will go away so that i can keep losing weight but the other part wants a way out...

which road do i choose?

old habits

I've started cutting myself again...
but this time not for the same reasons,
i guess the previously mentioned rubber band training lead to it,
i keep on screwing up my fasting so i'd been snapping rubber bands 50-200 times a day, but one day my mom was home all day and for the first time since i can remember i ate 3 meals that day and although i threw most of it up, i needed to punish myself more
and this way, i can feel the pain all the time and it will remind me how determined i am
i'm not giving up on this, i may keep failing but eventually ill pull off another fast, because that was the greatest feeling everr

Fly

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

[Nicki Minaj] 
I wish today it will rain all day 
maybe that will kinda make the pain go away 
trying to forgive you for abandoning me 
praying but I think I'm still an angel away 
angel away, yeah strange in a way 
maybe that is why I chase strangers away 
they got their guns out aiming at me 
but I become near when they aiming at me 
me, me, me against them 
me against enemies, me against friends 
somehow they both seem to become one 
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood 
they start coming and I start rising 
must be surprising, I'm just summising 
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher 
more fire 

[Rihanna - Chorus] 
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

[Nicki Minaj - Verse 2] 
Everybody wanna try to box me in 
suffocating everytime it locks me in 
painting they own pictures than they crop me in 
but I will remain where the top begins 
cause I am not a word, I am not a line 
I am not a girl that can ever be defined 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/fly-lyrics-nicki-minaj.html ]

I am not fly, I am levitation 
I represent an entire generation 
I hear the criticism loud and clear 
that is how I know that the time is near 
so we become alive in a time of fear 
and I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare 
cry my eyes out for days upon days 
such a heavy burden placed upon me 
but when you go hard your nay's become yay's 
Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's 

[Rihanna - Chorus] 
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

Thin Commandments

I found these on a pro-ana site, i thought re-blogging it would keep me motivated:


If you aren’t thin, you’re ugly.
Being thin is way more important than being healthy.
You must do anything to make yourself look thinner.
Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
Thou shall not eat fattening foods without punishing yourself accordingly.
The scale is everything.
Losing=Life, Gaining=Death
You must become thin.
Being thin and perfect are signs of true determination.

The not eating food without punishing yourself is the next thing i'm going to try;
every time I think about food, I will snap a rubber band on my wrist until the pain outweighs the hunger,
every time I eat, i'll snap the rubber band 2x the amount of bites I took,
When I measure my waist, i'll snap the rubber band 5x the amount of cms i've gained, 
same with the scale