It's my Life

I read somewhere that Bulimia is a lifestyle, not a disease...
I have to agree with that, i am so sick of people telling me i have a disease... This is a lifestyle that I chose to have, and i can live with it. I know i complain a lot about how horrible this is, but that's the depression talking, I was fine before i became depressed, and that has to do with my life, not my eating habits...
I wish people could just let me live my life, and stop stalking me to the bathroom or forcing food down my throat, it's just annoying and frustrating... It's my life, stop trying to control it.

Change...

They say change is the only constant in life.. i guess i'd have to agree but... going through old photos i can't help but notice how much things have changed since last year... it scares me :S

In the photos of me last year, i wasn't that much fatter, but i didn't care, i loved who i was even though everybody around me hated how full of myself i was.
In the photos from this year i'm smiling, but there's pain in my eyes and it loos like something has sucked the life out of me... and something has, it was me.
Even though i completelly understand what's going on now... i still dont understand what happened... what changed? Why do i hate myself so much now? what was it that pushed me off the edge? Can i change back? I don't know...

You Know What?

FUCK YOU!

I tried my hardest... i did all i could do in the state that i was in
nothing hurts more than what you did to me...
But you expected me to be perfect
well fuck you.
bitch.

She

She was there for me when nobody else could be bothered
She knew me better than i knew myself
She was that one person i could always talk to, sometimes when i didn't even want to
She cared about me more that i cared about myself
She was the only person who ever asked if i was okay
She helped me through my hardest times
She wiped away my tears, and made me laugh when i felt like crying
She would do anything to make me smile, even for a moment
She would go anywhere with me
She was there when i needed her
She was my best friend
She abandoned me
Now...
She couldn't care less about me
She never asks me how i am because she doesn't want to know
She treats me like dirt
She does her best to make sure i know it's all my fault
She turns my closest friends against me
She spreads lies about me, as well as the truth i had no intentions of sharing
She hurts the people i care about
She'll do anything without considering for a moment how much it would hurt me
She does all of this, and then pretends she has done nothing
But I still can't let go of our friendship
She was the best friend i ever had

She's a selfish bitch... But I don't know what I would've done without her...

I Try to Laugh but Cry Instead...

Empty

I can't do anything without hurting somebody.... including myself

Why does the pain feel so right when i  know it's wrong?

...because i deserve it

It kills me that i need to feel empty in order to feel whole...

I feel empty...

I feel alone...

Lies

Stop Lying to me

Tell me the Truth

Who can I Trust?

Nobody.

Hidden

Cover my mouth so i can't scream

Cover my eyes so I can't cry

Cover my arms to hide my pain

Cover my stomach so i don't feel ashamed

Why is my Weight the most Important thing?

Why Can't I stop feeling like i'm...

Scared

Where do i go from here?

What do i do now?

I know i need to change... but i'm scared

Slipping

... i'm starting to feel sad again... i'm not sure why but i really hope it doesn't stay for long... i'm not sure how much longer i can take this, especially if it gets any worse... I just wish this would all go away, because there's nothing i can do about it. I just want to be happy... i just want to have fun... i want to be the girl i used to be and stop caring if i start to gain a few pounds over the summer...when will this end? I just want these feelings to go away...

Hope

Today was the first day of holidays... and i feel good... better than i've felt in a while... i'm not sure what it is; i think it has something to do with starting to eat more (even though i've been throwing up more, i guess i'm more energetic), and not being around all of these girls who bring me down, as well as being so excited for seeing my family and not having to worry about everything every single second of every single day... i'm hopeful, and i'm almost happy... i'm worried what's going to happen when i go back to school, will i feel that bad again? I'm pretty sure i will and i really don't want the feeling to come back, i know it won't really go away until the bulimia goes away and that's not going to happen anytime soon, but for now i'm going to enjoy myself and hope for the best :)

Weak

Today i felt so weak... I don't understand it! it was supposed to be the most exciting day of the year... it was the last day of school! I tried to eat, i tried to sleep but still the whole day i was struggling to keep myself upright.... it seems like no matter what, there i always something bringing me down... except this time im not too sure what.... i guess i am just SO SICK of all this drama and all of these girls thinking they can use me and trample on me and bitch about me and then turn around and play the victim card and make me feel worse about myself... i jut hate it so much...i thought thee 2-faced girls were my friends... i'm not sure who to trust anymore... But it's the holidays and i'm going to spend as little time as possible with the girls who bring me down... The thing is i love them so so much.. i can't let them go... I don't know what to do anymore, but i'm not going to give up... not yet anyway

So Lonely