In My Head

I cried out for help
screamed for someone to notice
that something is wrong
Nobody listens....



I'm tired
every day is a struggle
a war against myself
the battle in my mind is exhausting
nobody knows how hard i fight every day
I just want to be okay
voices in my head make me want to scream

I fall to the ground
too tired to fight any more...
I can only pray
That one day, they'll go away
and then I'll be okay

Shaking with hunger
And it feels so good...

frustration

I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight.

it's what I want more than anything...
but I keep getting sick, and having to stop...

when will this end?

regrets

I thought this would make me happy

I thought this was what I wanted

So then why do I feel this bad?

I guess... because I know that nobody loves me as much as he did

And now its all over

So am I worth any thing to any one?


what did I do...?

Someone Like You

Nevermind, i'll find some one like you

i wish nothing but the best for you, too

don't forget me, I beg, i'll remember you said

Sometimes it lasts in love

Sometimes it hurts instead

choice

Godd I want to throw up...
I want to feel that rush of every thing going away just like that,
All the pain, stress, anxiety... Just gone with my food
But I'm scared, those drops of blood coming from my throat, what if they mean something?
Well, it was just the one time that it happened
So I'm fine.. Right?
Fuck.
What do I do?

Ooh I forgot how good throwing up feels...
Wow
I know this is bad for me, but I can't help it
It just felt so good

Restart

Have you ever done something, knowing it was bad, and when it's over you promise yourself you'll never do it again, but after a while... You miss it, and you wonder why you didn't do it?
I miss starving myself... I miss throwing up... I miss everything.
I miss that satisfaction I got from feeling hungry.
Every body thinks I'm better now, so there's no suspicion if I start again
Plus, I will feel so much better, with all this stress and everything, its exactly what I need
I can't sit with my real friends at lunch because I'm embarrassed to eat in front of them,
If I start starving again, I can be with them...
Atm it feels like this will make me so much happier
The only problem is I still haven't been 100% which means that I could possibly pass out again, and every one will get suspicious again... So what do I do?

EET

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.

Bee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
Eet eet eet.
Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
Eet eet eet.

You spend half of your life trying to fall behind.
You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.

Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
Eet eet eet.
Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
Eet eet eet.

*musical interlude*

Someone's deciding whether or not to steal.
He opens a window just to feel the chill.
He hears that outside a small boy just started to cry
'Cause it's his turn, but his brother won't let him try.

*musical interlude*

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat... 

One Year

in 525,600 minutes I managed to change completely

in 365 days I managed to sacrifice everything to lose weight

in 52 weeks I managed to get skinny enough to like myself

in one week I managed to gain it all back

fuck.

Staring

Staring at a blank screen
can't form the words for anything any more
so many thoughts - keeping me from living my life
from being the girl I want to be
putting my weight in front of everything
in front of school - used to be the most important thing
now it's just food food food

So exhausted
wake me up when it's over
so i sit here
staring at a blank screen
wondering what happened to that girl
that girl who could do everything
and not care about her weight

Staring at my reflection

disgusted.

battling with myself

i'm a hazard to myself

Staring at a pack of pills
wondering what it would be like
scared by my own thoughts
no, i don't want to die
I just want to feel better
I wonder if 6 would do it
worth a try?

Staring at my wrists
wondering if going back would help
because im desperate
i need something, anything
to make this go away

Staring into your eyes
wondering if you feel the same
you make me feel better

You Are the Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine

and that's not easy...

you make me feel like i'm worth something...

you make me want to change, not for you but for myself,

 because you make me feel like I don't have to be thin, that i'm beautiful in your eyes no matter what

You make me believe in myself

...and you're not even mine yet

for you, i'll wait

exhausted

I'm too tired to fight this

this is driving me insane!!!!
after everything i fought for i'm going to start gaining weight and there's nothing i cn do because if i try to starve again i'll pass out and everyone will just make me eat more!!
i can't stand this bullshit

Suggestion -Orelia

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down

Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound

Oh i plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you

But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use

And just like that my life is broken

I can barely breathe

and now i'm opened for suggestions

At the end of the day lifes a lesson

So why cant he see it form my point of view

And how many seconds in the houurs of a day did we lose

Was it me or his feelings, me or his feelings that day

Cause i just stood there in silence watched while my world blew away

And just like that my life is broken

I can barely breathe

and now i'm opened for suggestions

At the end of the day lifes a lesson

My lifes a lesson

Health or Weight?

It'slightly embarrassing to admit that since my last post i hadn't thrown up or starved myself, first because i had to keep myself conscious, and then because my school was on camp and i couldn't do anything but it's okay because i was losing weight anyway..
Well that was the case until yesterday when i threw up again for the first time in 2 weeks & it felt like all the tension that had built up from those weeks just washed away...
Today I was back on track with my starve plan but -i can't believe it- i nearly passed out again!
This is so ridiculously frustrating because normally my body is a lot stronger than this... and i knw this means i'll never be able to diet like this again.
I have to say i'm slightly scared about what i've done to myself, apparently there's a good chance that im anemic and besides that, my hair has been falling out.... i'm not sure if it's an effect of events of this past yearr or something else but im starting to get more and more worried about what's happening to me
still, i can't make the choice of whether to keep myself healthy or get skinny...

Shut Down

Today for the first time my body decided to shut itself down...
 resulting in me passing out in front of all of those in my class
naturally i'm incredibly embarrassed but its starting to make me think...
what if my health is more important than my weight?
These next couple of days everyone is going to be monitoring my eating which i think is the worst part of the whole thing
but maybe it's time for a change... I'm starting to think about what's really important..
Normally when I have these thoughts they go away the next time i eat and i feel like punishing myself again
Part of me hopes they will go away so that i can keep losing weight but the other part wants a way out...

which road do i choose?

old habits

I've started cutting myself again...
but this time not for the same reasons,
i guess the previously mentioned rubber band training lead to it,
i keep on screwing up my fasting so i'd been snapping rubber bands 50-200 times a day, but one day my mom was home all day and for the first time since i can remember i ate 3 meals that day and although i threw most of it up, i needed to punish myself more
and this way, i can feel the pain all the time and it will remind me how determined i am
i'm not giving up on this, i may keep failing but eventually ill pull off another fast, because that was the greatest feeling everr

Fly

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

[Nicki Minaj] 
I wish today it will rain all day 
maybe that will kinda make the pain go away 
trying to forgive you for abandoning me 
praying but I think I'm still an angel away 
angel away, yeah strange in a way 
maybe that is why I chase strangers away 
they got their guns out aiming at me 
but I become near when they aiming at me 
me, me, me against them 
me against enemies, me against friends 
somehow they both seem to become one 
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood 
they start coming and I start rising 
must be surprising, I'm just summising 
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher 
more fire 

[Rihanna - Chorus] 
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

[Nicki Minaj - Verse 2] 
Everybody wanna try to box me in 
suffocating everytime it locks me in 
painting they own pictures than they crop me in 
but I will remain where the top begins 
cause I am not a word, I am not a line 
I am not a girl that can ever be defined 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/fly-lyrics-nicki-minaj.html ]

I am not fly, I am levitation 
I represent an entire generation 
I hear the criticism loud and clear 
that is how I know that the time is near 
so we become alive in a time of fear 
and I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare 
cry my eyes out for days upon days 
such a heavy burden placed upon me 
but when you go hard your nay's become yay's 
Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's 

[Rihanna - Chorus] 
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 

Thin Commandments

I found these on a pro-ana site, i thought re-blogging it would keep me motivated:


If you aren’t thin, you’re ugly.
Being thin is way more important than being healthy.
You must do anything to make yourself look thinner.
Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
Thou shall not eat fattening foods without punishing yourself accordingly.
The scale is everything.
Losing=Life, Gaining=Death
You must become thin.
Being thin and perfect are signs of true determination.

The not eating food without punishing yourself is the next thing i'm going to try;
every time I think about food, I will snap a rubber band on my wrist until the pain outweighs the hunger,
every time I eat, i'll snap the rubber band 2x the amount of bites I took,
When I measure my waist, i'll snap the rubber band 5x the amount of cms i've gained, 
same with the scale

When my world is spinning out of control...

...The one thing I can keep in my grasp is my weight

Just let me go

either leave me or stay with me.
please stop torturing me
telling my friends how much of a selfish bitch i am...
you don't know what's been going through my mind...
if you want me to stay then stop treating me like this
i don't know what you expect me to do
what you expect my sister to do;
choose between her sister and her best friend?
you're the selfish one
i know the game you play: you choose your victims and drive them away one by one
you took away my best friend
did you really think id take your crap after that?
you've hurt me too much already
just let me go...

The Opaque Cup Trick

finally i'm back on track and this time i'm not going to let my controlling family push me to binge again... and saying i'm not hungry isn't going to be it this time... I have something else;
the opaque cup trick

i've considered trying it before but eventually i would've accepted the fact that i'd have to eat that night...
but i can't gain any more weight and throwing up isn't good enough anymore...
the opaque cup trick is when you pretend to be drinking from a cup (whos contents can't be seen from the outside, of course)
and spitting your food into that cup so everybody thinks you've eaten, but it's all an illusion

can you tell?

The Ice is Getting Thinner... yet i'm not

I feel the ice cracking under my feet,
everything's getting to me again and i can't fight it
i've been trying to push it out but it's all catching up to me
I don't want to feel the way i used to feel
i just want to be happy so that i can lose weight.
why is this happening to me??
ive been trying to lose weight for years i just want it to happen so badly so i can stop destroying my life and actually like myself
...ive tried everything
i don't know what to do anymore...

A Bad Dream- Keane

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now 

Sweet Relief

nothing feels better than an empty stomach
I can't stand the thought of gaining weight
That's why i throw up.

fuck this

Today was the beginning of a new school year and I was ready to make it one of my best
I have to admit that on Saturday i went a little ccrazy and drank too much
I thought it was okay because the people who i was with were totally cool with it and i hooked up with the closest guy friend i have...
but I regret ever letting my closest friends find out because all they do is judge and make me feel like i should regret it
they don't understand that sometimes i need a break
they always make me feel bad about everything i do
i can never win.
Not to mention i was halfway through the day without having eaten anything... and they ruined it by pissing me off and that's always how my cravings start
i'm so sick of all this bullshit

I realise what my problem was last year
I talked.
I thought it was the best way to help myself
so I tried to talk everything out with whoever was willing to listen,
but it never helped...

it drove my friends away,

it drove me to just get more frustrated with myself
it drove me to my biggest regret- telling my mom what was going on
This year, i'm going to get back on track to get skinny,
and this time it's not going to get to me
because i'm not going to think about it,
i'm not going to talk about it,
why talk when nobody wants to listen?
it doesn't matter.
i don't care if it's unhealthy
neither does anybody else
i want it to destroy my body
i want to be the girl who struggles to gain weight. not lose it
i'm sick of being disgusted when i look in the mirror
and it's going to change this year
no matter what
just try and stop me.

Too True...

stop thinking you have it worse
you're just bored with your life,
so you create drama
and you bring down whoever you feel like hurting down with you
I know my problems aren't that bad
But you must think the world revolves around you
but guess what?
nobody cares.

fuck it

"She's got a smile on her face, and a fuck you attitude, because from this day on, she's living life for herself"
"Don't have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel"
"Maybe i'm not supposed to get over it, I mean look at how many times i've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working"
"&& when she finally forgets you, don't you dare remember me"
"Don't die from a broken heart"

"Life is like a canvas. it begins blank, and every day is like another brush stroke.
Make your life a masterpiece."

it may still hurt
but you don't deserve my tears
i'm not letting you get to me anymore
i'm going to live my life
i'm going to be thin and beautiful no matter what it takes
and I don't need you
you're not worth it

Thoughts

keep starving...
keep throwing up...
keep losing weight
focus on it, but don't think about it
don't think about anything
don't let it get to you
don't think about how you're best friend hates you,
and how everybody expects you to be over it
but they have no idea how hard it is
don't think about how you now have nobody,
how you're the only one left who cares,
don't think about how you can't do any of the things you used to be good at
or that after everything i put everyone through, i'm still disgusted by my own reflection
stop it. block it out.
channel it into losing weight
hopefully soon, i'll be good enough to be loved
just don't think...

Ruined

I was feeling the weight falling off me and all I had to do was keep going... keep starving... keep holding on
but now i feel fatter than ever... i feel like i gained everything i fought to lose in the last 4 days
why can't my family just leave me alone?
why do they feel the need to shove food down my throat when i say i'm not hungry?
Despite this setback i plan to keep going the way i have been,
i'l just have to start over

2 days later...

I am now nearing the end of day 4 of my weight loss plan
I wonder why i never did this before?
I guess it's harder to hide then throwing up
but now i have nobody looking out for me anymore,
and i can starve as much as i want
The hunger pains haven't been too bad, as i've been keeping myself up with water, smoothies and peppermints when the dizzy spells kick in (after all, i don't want people to get suspicious if i pass out)
Other than feeling a little light headed at times, i feel great!
I can't see if i've lost weight but i can feel it.
I hope i can keep this up for at least another couple more days :)

as the days go by...

It's been 2 days since I've eaten anything and i feel great
Usually i'm never able to get away with stuff like this,
but this time as the lies build up my body will do the opposite
Hopefully today will make it 3 :D

Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken