Why Can't You Understand i'm Falling Apart?

What's Happening to me?

It's so unbelievable that there was a time when i was annoyingly up myself... i have no idea what changed,how did i come to hate myself to a point where i risk everything in order to look better? I never thought it would get this bad... i thought throwing up would be easy....i guess you never know...

i had no idea i'd lose so much... i've never been the girl to throw away everything to be skinny, i should be stronger than this.... why can't i control this? why can't i stop? why aren't i happy?

what's happening to me... 

The Days Just Get Worse

Today has been awful... i've been in so much pain and i can't explain why... i guess it's because i have to pretend somebody i'm not all the time... even though i have a boyfriend now, i have to be the girl he wants me to be, which isn't who i am... sometimes i wish people could see me for me, see that i need their help and support because i'm falling apart... It hurts so much more when my closest friends give me shit for being upset and my family makes fun of me and just tells me to piss off until i feel better... i miss having a best friend, that one person i could always talk to no matter what, that one person i didn't have to hide myself in front of, that one person who could always make me feel better... everybody says i should get over it and that i don't deserve this shit but it's not that easy... none of this is as easy as they think.... i wish they could understand...

You think it's that easy but it's not... i can't just turn this off

... Because I can't help myself

I'm Scared...

Sick of Pretending

"I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles even though her heart is broken, and the one who can always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own"

Lost

"I don't know who i am, who i am without you, all i know is that i should" -Missy Higgins

Losing you still hurts

I'm not supposed to care but i do... 

I've realized that i lost myself in all of my problems, they define me... they ARE me... and I've forgotten who i am along the way, and i am now irrelevant

Alone

Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving forward

Despite everything, i thought this quote by Albert Einstein was absolutely beautiful, all of you who are going through a hard time and reading this, just keep moving forward, because you'll get there :)

Stop Pretending

I wish i could...

This is Me

Sick of being Hurt

  

                           

...Bullshit

Gone

I can't talk to you anymore...

i can't talk to anybody anymore...
i don't know how my friends can get mad at me for "not helping myself" when all i'm trying to do is talk to them and it seems like if i'm not the fun person that i used to be then i'm not worth talking to anymore... i understand when you said you felt like you couldn't be yourself in the group anymore...now i realize i've felt that for a while... but it was so much easier when you were around...
why couldn't you stay? why didn't you say something before it was to late? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY?!
i haven't been okay for a while... but i thought you were always going to be by my side... and don't say you are because it's different now and we both know that... as much as we deny it...

Drowning

It feels like i'm drowning... Like i'm screaming for air but nobody can hear me because i'm so far down that they all just think i'm having a swim... but soon when they realize that i'm not going to come up anytime soon what's going to happen?
Will they pull me out and make sure i don't fall back in?
or will they wait there, expecting me to be strong enough to pull myself up... despite the fact that i'm already halfway there, despite everything that is bringing me down, or the seaweed wrapped around my ankle making it impossible to ever come back up... so i just lie here, hoping that i will be saved.... but never really knowing

Pink- Lonely Girl

i thought of myself when i heard this song...
I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

So Lonely girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come
true

So Many Things

There are so many things i want to say to you:
i understand that ur protecting yourself, and i would never expect you to put anybody else before your own health... which is why i say this where you can't see it...
since you left, its never the same... i love our friends but i feel different... the only thing holding me together when times got bad was your support.... but now i don't have that... i feel like im on the verge of crying every minute of every day... and you're the only person i can talk to... i have to pretend in front of everybody else... but i could always go to you.... i was already falling apart when you left... now i'm a wreck... but i know i need to be strong for you.... which is why i can't tell you any of this... so i guess all i can say is...

Life is a Highway

Maybe it's just the fact that i haven't slept more than 2 hours in the last 2 days or maybe it's because even though i was only happy for about 30 minutes yesterday but it was an amazing 30 minutes.... but laying awake from another sleepless night i can't help but think that, there are some awful awful times... but the good times are awesome, my friends can sometimes be hard to handle but when they come through for me, despite absolutely everything i've put them through... they're unexplainably fantastic friends, and there are times when i want to cry and cry and cry... but those few times when i want to laugh... it's beautiful... <3
My friends convinced me to download this song and as much as i hate the music... i love the song... it says
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're goin my way
i wanna drive it all night long

screaming my heart out to this song with girls who've been there through thick and thin gave me hope...
i still feel terrible most of the time... believe me... but life is a highway that i don't wanna swerve off anytime soon, and i'm on the wrong road and it's going to be a loooong time until i'm back on th right track... but just for this moment, i'm hopeful that one day i'm going to feel good. really good.

I'm So Sorry

This is my way of saying i'm so so sorry to everybody and anybody... 

anybody i've hurt, whether i meant to or not...

no matter how big or small, it dosn't matter if it was yesterday or 2 years ago

If i caused you any form of pain.... just know that i am so sorry